Proof that Dykes Love Drama OR Leave That ‘Ish RIGHT Where You Found It

(Originally published at Velvet Park)

So, perhaps this title is a little misleading.  Still, in my head it’s somehow fitting.

I’m working on my first book (yes, I’m aware of how pretentious that sounds, especially while being a PhD student, a PR, a blogger, an event planner, etc), and the portion I’m trying to get through is pinpointing that particular piece of dyke drama (read: lesbian craziness) that we all know well.

The life lesbians will all begin to hate me for this.  They will say, “Everyone has issues! Don’t perpetuate stereotypes! Blah! Blah!”

I will say, “Don’t create and embody stereotypes that I am then able to observe and discuss.”  It’s that simple.

Anyways … I figure … maybe dykes like drama because dykes like dancing.  And not that this should make any sense to you … but I figure, the one place I consistently see the largest heterogenous pool of dykes is in the club.  It’s sad, but true.

Ok, you’re right … perhaps I’ve seen large dyke pools at marches, rallies, and other community building activities … but give me a break … you see I’m trying to go somewhere with this. -_-

Back to Dancing Dykes

I’ve been thinking through all the random “club happenings” that are somehow acceptable when drunk and smashed between 300 strangers.  I’ve also been thinking about some of the things we hear while raging to Beyonce and Eric Clapton all at once; while downing things that should never be mixed- Red bull and Vodka and Chocolate Schnapps.  I’ve been thinking that there are some things that should NEVER leave the club.  Still, we try to pull these club actions and habits and words into our lives, only to incorporate craziness and then be like, “Huh?  I don’t know why that didn’t work out?! o_0″

If you’re still with me and not wanting to kill me for outing you and your mutually psycho dyke friends … please … feel free to read below for a list of things that should never leave the intimate company of 300-400 dancing dykes and strobe-lights.

Leave That ‘Ish RIGHT Where You Found It

1. All Lady Gaga Lyrics are pretty much a NO GO; PARTICULARLY PAPARAZZI!

—Why?  Well, let’s take a look at the lyrics.

I’m your biggest fan

I’ll follow you until you love me, Papa-paparazzi

Baby,

there’s no other superstar

you know that I’ll be your

Papa-paparazzi

Promise I’ll be kind, but I won’t stop until that boy is mine

Baby you’ll be famous, chase you down until you love me

Papa-paparazzi

Not that I really need to explain this but, if we can understand the concept that in real life, people who make their living as paparazzi are stalkers, then we can easily understand that taking these lyrics and applying them full force to your newest love affair makes you what? A stalker, for 500, Alex.  You’re correct.

Don’t act like this has never been you.

It is normal to, perhaps, develop a crush on someone and then friend them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter (stupid, maybe, but normal).  It becomes crazy to then follow and friend all of their friends, their parents, their boss, tweet them continuously, text them, show up at places where they dine because you saw it on FourSquare, etc.  That is crazy.  And we know this.  Yet, somehow we allow our friends to do these things every day.  CUT IT OUT.

2. You know the girl in the club that’s a total drunken mess—the one that starts out so normal in the beginning of the night, offering you a drink or two, maybe a dance, maybe some quick convo while waiting in the line at the ladies room?

I’m talking about the girl who by 12:30 am has turned into a mix of Fergie and Ashlee Simpson on the dance floor; by 1:30pm has you pinned against a wall telling you her whole life story, sprinkling it with pearls of “I don’t normally do this sort of thing … I’m not sure why I just feel so comfortable with you.”

 

—Leave that ISH Right Where You Found It.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  Do not take that woman home with you!  She has done it before.  She will do it again … with you.  She feels comfortable with you because she’s drunk.  This is the only way she feels comfortable with anyone.  In addition, do not take her habits and then fuse them into your own lifestyle.  In real life, this sort of behavior is not sustainable.

This sort of behavior is “crazy lezzie” behavior, also known as emotional instability.

If you create a boundary with a new friend, partner, co-worker, whatever.  Respect it.  Remain true to it.  Do not take them on a roller coaster ride of YOUR emotions.  Do not ignore the fact that your antics affect THEIR emotions.  This is selfish.  This is unfair.  This is you looking to release your baggage onto someone who probably has their own emotions and baggage and no time to deal with yours.  This is unacceptable.  This is a lack of self-processing.  CUT IT OUT.

3. You know how sometimes you’re walking to the car with your friends and then you’re confused because you know you only came to the club with one friend … and now you’ve got THREE?!  No?  Well you know that girl who always comes alone but leaves the club with someone that she just met approximately 47 minutes ago whose name she barely knows, but she likes her because “she’s hot and … her hair is UBER CUTE?!”  Yes.  you know her.

—Long story short.  AIDS is real.  Herpes is real. Gonorrhea is real.  So are a number of other sexually transmitted diseases.  Stalkers are real too.  So are murderers.  So are emotionally unstable, drunk girls who first appeared to be hot with uber cute hair.  These are all things you can catch by taking a girl home from the club, or diner, or grocery store, or coffee shop, or hairdresser for that matter.  Be safe. CUT IT OUT.

Don’t think we’re done here … in fact, we’re just getting started.  There’s a whole host of craziness we haven’t touched on yet.  Catch up with me next week for more dancing dyke drama.

P.S. In the meantime, if you’re looking for me … “you can find me in the club” … or at http://kholioli.com!  You GO shawty. Take me out 50.

Tags: , , , , ,

Comments are closed.